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I've got a brand new pen & I drink too much
you know I'll burn out soon
Recent Entries 
16th-Oct-2009 07:02 pm - busy
heys.
i've been crazy sick the past couple weeks. would try to get into it but i'm too exhausted.
anywho, those awaiting penpal letters. i promise to send them out this week : )
 <3
4th-Oct-2009 09:17 pm - Puttin on the ritz..
Wonderful weekend, they always are. I'm getting sick now though of course. Oh well, might actually make the week a bit easier.

I may go see Rachel (old friend/flame who is in the army now) on Friday at Necto, that would be quite amazing, quite awkward as well but definitely well worth it. We'll have to see if I have the money for it. For booze of course and for gas money. Hurm hurm.

I played a couple of games of Magic with Matt and actually really enjoyed it. Although I absolutely didn't know what I was doing. Could be fun in time when I figure it out more : )

I decided I am going to make him this scrapbooky thing. I have this really pretty one I bought that I haven't really known what to do with. I think he would like it. I haven't done anything cutesy or artsy in a while. Will probably be good for me. I'm going to work on it at night cause that's always when the age old struggles come back. It may keep them at bay.

Gave me shit about the cuts. Not the mean shit, just the wtf are you doing kind? I never really looked at it this way, but he said he quit his bullshit for me and honestly, it's true. The last time I saw him before Shauna and I broke up he was so fucking comatose, he was getting so bad. Since we've been together he's cut off opiates completely. He gave me that but I never really looked at it like it was for me. Thinking I may have been good for someone, that just isn't my style. The least I can do is give him the same in return. Every time I cut it makes it that much harder. I obsess. I romance. I need to let it go. I'm 21 years old. I've been cutting myself for ten years. Jesus. It was Wednesday night that I cut, I'm going to look up the date and keep track of it so I can know how long I've been clean. It's more than time.
1st-Oct-2009 05:47 pm - Someone please call the surgeon?
Random entry because I want to keep this going but I haven't much to say.

Been a long few days. Hopefully I'll get to see my love tonight and all will be well. He is sick though so I may not be able to see him until tomorrow. At least it'll be early. I've been sleeping horrible all week. I know all I need is one night in his arms and all will be back to normal. Not looking forward to him seeing my new wounds. Oh well, not much I can do about it now.

It's really frustrating that Jessi & James both know I was planning to go over there around five and it's six and still no one is home. I really appreciate you letting me stay here but that doesn't mean you can just dump your kids on me and do whatever you want after work. I have no problem watching them, I usually enjoy it, but letting me know when you'd be home is nice. Especially when you know I have plans.

Argh.

"Please don't feed me lies about some idealistic future, your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures"
Nothing Better, Postal Service

30th-Sep-2009 10:27 pm - I just wanna win this..
I always lose interest in these things or just forget about them. It's not that I don't want to keep them, I just always have high hopes when I start an online journal and am usually disappointed but either way, I've decided to try and keep this one going. I also just started an opendiary, we'll see which one I like better : )
15th-Jun-2009 04:44 pm - Someone Else's Mind
It's getting harder to raise my eyes
Just to meet your gaze
Your honesty intimidates me
Yet sets my very heart ablaze
You were there, you saw me then
You know truth was never a friend of mine
There are lies waiting for me around the corner
I beg for the injection and boy, it's divine
That place still feels like home to me
I just hope this feeling will pass
She knows the way into my soul
I'm always just within her grasp
My body is aching from this tug-of-war
These feet refuse to run fast enough
Tell me it doesn't have to be this way
Wrap me up in your beautiful love
She's always catching up with me
Constantly one step ahead of the game
They're working together and harder now
Love, I hear her calling my name
I know I don't have to go
But I need you to make me stay
Your hands, they terrify me to the bone
I extended to them the ultimate blade
I don't want another soft affair
I want to be pushed down and held in place
I don't want you to persuade me gently
I need you to take me, force me to end this race
My heart is fearful, my body needy 
I am aching to leave those doubts behind
I'm pleading for you to let me follow your footsteps
I'm begging you to please be all mine
I want you to catch me, mend me, save me
I'm ill familiar with the warmth of your arms
Wrapped so tightly around me 
I've never felt further from harm
Give me your confident embrace
Rescue me from this pit of despair
Let me lean on you until I can walk again
Tell me just how much to bare
Take me, bend me, break me
Get me the hell out of here
Lend me your strength tonight
Hold me until I know I have nothing to fear

15th-Jun-2009 04:16 pm - I get so Scared of Dying
I have done an insane amount of soul searching in recent months. Just about everything in my life that could have changed has. Over the past few weeks I feel I have finally gotten out of this slump and have been writing daily so I feel confident writing in this blog again.
The hardest thing to do when you're digging into yourself is looking at the ugliness. I have no problem working through the  things I like about myself and I'm an oddly confident girl which makes this task easy. It's the things I don't even admit to myself that stop me in my tracks. I'm over that. I truly am. I'm disgusted with how much time I've already wasted in this life and I'm not going to hand one more minute of my time over to fear or uncertainty.
"There is nothing I know except this lifetime's one moment and wishing will just leave me empty." Conor Oberst
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